When it was complete, he brought it to me full of pride at what he had just created.  It was a chart with circles of each primary color, and the color names above them.

You should have seen him!  He was beaming with pride about his creation, and he should be.

He has carried that picture with him everywhere and even tried to take it to bed last night.

He has asked that I buy magnets so we can mount it on the wall.

—–

I have not seen Travis much the past few months.  He has been busy with school and was having some trouble.

When I do see him, it is usually a five minute hello and goodbye thing.

He has been staying with Toni more and it looks like that is how it will probably be from here on out.  I understand it because that is his mother, I just wish we could spend some time together having fun like we used to do.

Travis is a tough one.  I love him with everything I have, but I am disappointed that he tends to not be honest with me and lie frequently.  When that happens, it is hard to trust him.

I hope we can at least repair some of the damage from the separation and divorce.

—–

I have been working a lot, and the stress is getting to me.  Everything else is fine but work stress some days is amazing.

—–

My relationship with Barb is great.  Never thought I would find someone that I click with this way.  We just “get” each other and there is no bullshit.

This is what a healthy relationship should be like.

I know people do not want to hear it, and think I am making bad moves, but the bottom line is that I am happy now after years of not being very happy.

You either accept that or you do not.

—–

I think people are still in shock over the divorce with Toni and they think it was all so sudden.  What they do not realize is that the two of us had been unhappy for years, and we were both good at covering it up.

I know it all seems sudden for people looking at it from the outside, but I can honestly say it was something that had been going on for a long time.

I hope that she can find someone that makes her happy, that is good to Alex and completes her life.  I really want that for her.  She deserves it.

We are both moving on, and that is just reality.

—–

I am probably going to put this place on a shelf for a bit.  Not sure if I want to continue updating it.

I am going to probably archive all of the stuff about the pregnancy and Alex into a personal scrap book for him so he has something to read when he is older and can understand everything that happened during the time of his birth.

I have been fighting it, did not want to admit it, but I finally have to get over the fact that he is no longer a toddler.

Alex is at a point where we can have a decent conversation about things.  He can express his feelings more than ever, and he is not shy about what he wants to say.

Alex loves to help with everything!  Making dinner is a big deal now.  Alex must help, even if it is something small like pouring a liquid or mixing something together, he has to be involved.  All very good things to see.

Alex is telling me about his life outside of the time I spend with him.  Again, great stuff that shows me he can remember things and can be creative.

Love my time with him right now and am enjoying what he brings to my life.

He is asking to sit on the toilet now and use the potty when he has to pee.  I am overjoyed.  We are well on the road to no more diapers, finally!

We have migrated to pull-ups and he is right on top of it.  Something must have clicked when he turned three a few weeks ago.  I don’t care what happened, just happy that he is ready to go.

—–

Had a lot of fun on Halloween.   Dressed up with Barb and friends and went to a party and then to the Varsity Grill for their bash.

Barb was Anne Boleyn and I was her executioner.

The night was going fine until a friend of a friend decided he could not handle his alcohol.  He had some choice words for Barb and then shoved her.  Not cool.

I told him that if he touched her again, he was a dead man.  Shoving/hitting women is something I cannot tolerate and it is the one thing that will set me off.

He decided to try and fight.

He drunk hugged me and we ended up on the ground.   I Was laughing the entire time while we rolled around.  The end result was him getting kicked out and me continuing to enjoy my night.  Drunk people are silly.

The night before we took Alex and Megan to moms church for their fall festival.  Pretty entertaining and the kids had a great time.  Games, crafts and candy!

Travis went to the corn maze that night with a friend and enjoyed it even though it rained pretty hard.

Travis spent Halloween night at a party with another friend and from what I have heard, he was the life of the party.  No surprise there.

—–

Life has been good the past few weeks.   I have been busy with work, working every weekend for the past month.  I complain but shouldn’t.  I am happy to have a job.

Lots of activity and fun times in general.  Going out, staying in, making dinner and having dinner made for me.   I cannot complain one bit!

Looking forward to the holidays, which is rare.  I usually don’t like the Thanksgiving and Christmas season but this year should be fun.

The logistics are always tough, and will be even more difficult this year.  Trying to decide where the boys will be, and when is turning into a tough situation.

Trying hard to make sure everyone is happy.

—–

I need a mini vacation and have been thinking about getting out of town for a night or two.   I have had lots of ideas come my way from friends on Facebook and I think I know what I want to do now.

The trick is getting the money and planning the dates.

I would prefer to get this done around my birthday or soon after, and will probably book something soon.

I am planning a larger vacation for next year and am looking at a trip down to Mexico and Cabo.  Cabo looks fantastic and I have heard good things about the area.   Saving my pennies now for that one.

The only thing that will bother me about a trip to Mexico is the flight.  I hate flying, it terrifies me.

Toni has been working on this with him when she has him, and I have been grilling him when he is with me.  He will now sing it randomly on his own.

Alex is counting from 1 to 10 now on his own well.  These are big milestones for a boy that will not turn three until October 23rd.

—–

I am completing the purchase of a 2006 Infiniti M45 Sport this week.  Drove the car last weekend and it felt so good.  Hard to pass up on the deal as I am purchasing the car well under Blue Book value.

The car is loaded with everything a tech nerd like me could want and I cannot wait to pick it up this weekend.

The only thing I do not like is the color.  It is gold.  That is an old man color but I can live with that.

—–

My roof is falling apart.  Shingles have been sliding off the roof the last few years and each year someone comes out to repair.  It is getting to the point where I will probably need to replace the roof on the house and I am not happy about it.

This is a 30 year roof, and it was placed on the house back in 2001.   The contractor that did the work is no longer in business, and they had no idea what they were doing when the roof was placed.  Pisses me off.

Now I get to have it repaired again in the next few weeks to the tune of $500.  Ouch!  At least it should last until I can get the money together to replace the entire roof.

—–

We celebrate all three boys birthdays this weekend.  Sean just turned 21, Travis will be 16 next week and Alex will be 3 on the 23rd.

This will be the first time both sides of our families will be together in one room since Toni and I split.  I do not expect things to be ugly or anything as we have kept this civil, but I am sure it will be uncomfortable for some.

We bought Travis a new laptop for his birthday and I still need to pick something up for Alex.  Sean will get money.

20% Off Halloween Costumes at the Nickelodeon Halloween Shop!

Took Barb and her daughter Maggie as they had never been before.  Was curious to see how they would react.  Maggie loved the dancing.

Ate lots of fried food that tested great but was of so bad for me.   Calamari and feta fries are too difficult to resist.  Greek beer and some baklava to top it off.

—–

I Spent Sunday test driving a car.  The car is a 2006 Infiniti M45 and I liked what I saw during the drive.  Now it is a matter of negotiation and making the final decision to buy.

The car is loaded with all of the toys that one could want and I am at a point in my life where I want a nice solid, safe vehicle.   We’ll see what happens.

The things I write here on my piece of virtual real estate are personal, but they are also things that I feel other people have gone through or may go through.  If someone reads this garbage and realizes that there is at least one other person in the world going through the ups and downs that they are then I see nothing wrong with opening my life up a little bit.

Sometimes, the kindest gifts or gestures come from complete strangers and this is no different to me.

People should also understand that what I write here is a small bit of my life, and you get the filtered version.

Writing helps me deal with the things I encounter every day, good and bad.  It is cheaper than therapy and easier than taking Prozac every day.  I may not be the best writer but I manage.

The last six months have been a great learning experience for me.  I hit the lowest part of my life when Toni left me, and one of the highest parts when I learned to be myself again.  It is like being on the bottom of the ocean and finally coming up for air.

I have finally come to terms with the fact that my relationship ended and that it will never be the same.  I was fortunate enough to share a lot of good and bad with someone who felt that I was important enough to share that with.  You don’t get that very often in life and I can stand back now and appreciate it for what it is.

I imagine I will still have down days and that is probably part of the process.

Sometimes closing one door opens another and that is where I find myself today.  I am going out enjoying my time with new and old friends and it feels great.

I have learned that you absolutely cannot rely on other people for your own happiness.  Being happy with myself is a new concept to me.  I have never, in my entire life, been happy with myself the way that I am now.  Very liberating when you accept who and what you are.

Wish I had learned that lesson a long time ago.

Friday night I went on a dinner date with Barb.  I have known Barb since Jr. High and it was a fun night reconnecting with her after 20+ years.

Decided to try Il Trattoria di Merende in downtown Tacoma and was impressed!  I am an Italian food snob and have a hard time enjoying Italian food that is not home cooked by family, however Merende changed my mind.

We started the dinner with small plates of Caprese and Grilled Asparagus.  Both were excellent!  The grilled Asparagus was the best I have had.

We ordered large plate dinners of Tagliatelle with Ragu Alla Bolognese and Scampi Alla Diavolo.

The Tagliatelle with Ragu Alla Bolognese was perfect, with a great hearty meat sauce that reminded me of the way sauce is made in our family recipes.

Scampi Alla Diavolo was perfect.  The sauce was hot and spicy, starting out slow with a decent kick towards the end of each bite.

Finished dinner with a shared slice of lemon tiramisu cake.  Again, perfect!  The citrus flavor was light and did not overpower.  I am normally not a cake or dessert fan, but this won me over.

The service was top notch!  Staff was present when needed without interrupting the meal.  We forgot they were there.

After dinner we walked along Ruston and did a little people watching.  Always an interesting mix of folks down on Ruston.

—–

I spent Saturday with Alex and Travis.   We really did not do anything, but ended up just hanging out and goofing around all day.  Sometimes you do not need to go out and do something to have fun and we proved it on Saturday.

We were all in a good mood and just enjoyed each other.   Those are some of the best days, and they often provide the best memories.

Love my boys and feel blessed that we are enjoying our time together.

—–

Toni picked Alex Sunday morning and had no idea what to do with the rest of the day.  Barb called and asked me if I wanted to have a late lunch with her and her girls down at Pt. Defiance.

Met them at Safeway where we picked up sandwiches and Chinese food, then it was off to the park!

Pt. Defiance was sunny but cold.  You could definitely feel the Fall chill in the air!

After lunch at the picnic tables we walked down to Owen Beach and spent time walking up and down the beach watching the sail boats and trying to find perfect skipping stones.   We ended up on one of the trails above the beach and got a decent little workout as we walked the paths above, and then back down to the beach.

Spent the evening playing a silly no score game of Scrabble.  Not sure we followed the rules, but we enjoyed the game anyway.

Great time.

It’s nice to actually smile and feel good again.

I am really depressed and cannot seem to shake myself out of it.  I know it will pass but man… this has been tough.

I feel like I am walking around with a lump in my throat all of the time, ready to kind of break down for no reason.  Must be man hormones or the rain or something.  :)

I think another part of this is being alone.  I have not been alone for 14 years and now when Toni comes to pick up Alex, the house is just silent.  Still trying to get used to that.

Add to that the lack of friends and well, you get the idea.

Toni was my best friend, and she is gone.

It feels like she died, and when I do see her it is like I am catching glimpses of her ghost.

I have been keeping busy, and there are a million things I need to get done around the house, but it would be so much better to have someone to do them with.  Someone to share that experience with.

I should quit my bitching and just get over it, but days like today make that difficult.

And for those wondering, she stopped reading this a long time ago… Well before the separation, but that is another story.

—–

Travis started school last week and it has been interesting.  He is dual enrolled right now with two courses at Lincoln High School and his core classes through WAVA (Washington Virtual Academy).

The transition to WAVA has been rough.  We have been all over the place with the admissions adviser assigned to us.  She does not respond to email or phone calls, and we get conflicting information on what paperwork has been filed or is needed.

As of today, the first day of WAVA classes, Travis is still not fully enrolled with WAVA and he has no classes.  I am not happy about it.

I finally have one of the main folks from the WAVA office looking into this, but we really should not be at this point.  I had hoped this would be resolved before classes started.

If this is not resolved by Friday, we have no choice but to put Travis back into Lincoln full time, and he is going to hate it.

—–

I have spent the past week painting Alexanders play room.  I am converting it into his new big boy bedroom.   Progress is slow, but steady.

I made the mistake of letting Alex paint on one wall the first day I started the project.  He was fine until he saw me break out the paint roller.  He wanted one, and there was no way that was going to happen.

I got through half of the room before giving up.  Alex was everywhere.  Hand prints on fresh paint, scratching fresh paint, etc. and it was just too much.

I spent time last night patching holes and doing prep work so I can finish painting the walls this weekend.   Hopefully I can get the ceiling done as well.

We are going with a blue theme for his room. Moon, Sun and Stars! Walls are a sky blue, ceiling is starry night dark blue and trim/accents are white and grey.

Once the walls are done, I will be painting some of his old dressers to match the room.  I plan to make a clock that will be shaped like a huge sun on one of his walls.

The ceiling will be home to glow in the dark stars and moons and I am picking up a lamp from Ikea that will project stars and moons on the walls at night.  Very soothing.

This is a big project for me.  In the past, Toni was the one that did all of this stuff and laughed because I was never very handy around the house.  We’ll see who laughs once this is complete…

The end of August was pretty terrible.  I was working long hours, was on call a lot and very stressed about work.  I was so absorbed with work that I ignored things at home.

The final straw for August was my grandmother falling and breaking her neck.  That was the beginning of the end of her life.

From that point on things really went down hill.  The next few months were spent watching my grandmother slow down and die.  There is no other way to put it.  A year later, I still feel the impact of that entire time of her being in the hospital, the nursing home, and then my Aunts home for the end.

That was August through October.

Then I changed jobs.   Starting a new job is always pretty stressful, I guess I picked the wrong time to do this, but I felt like I had no choice.  I wanted to be able to spend more time with my family and was tired of the constant on call work.  Plus, my office was going to move to Bothell.  Tacoma to Bothell would have been a hell drive.

Not long after this, two more things hit us pretty hard.

My oldest step-son Sean and his girlfriend Elizabeth broke the news to us that they were going to have a baby.  We were shocked and surprised.

I was upset at first.  How could they do this?   Then I realized that this was just another opportunity to show them how to handle it the right way.   How to show them to be good parents and let them know that no matter what, things would be ok.

The second thing was Genie.  Genie was the grandmother of Sean and Travis, and was their world.   Genie had cancer, and it was not going to go away this time.

Toni and Genie were close, and the impact to Toni and the boys was enormous.  Genie died in February.  Another loss for our family.

You take any ONE of these things, and they can be stressful enough on a family.  Combine them all and … well I guess you get what I am dealing with right now.

I thought I was holding up well during that time, and being strong for my family.  It appears I did not do that and that I neglected them, or so I have been told.

I don’t know where I am going with all of this.  I guess I just needed to write it all down and get it out of my system.

When you go through a separation that is going to eventually lead to a divorce, you tend to try and analyze everything leading up to it to try and figure out what the hell happened.

This is my way of trying to find out what was wrong, so I do not repeat the past mistakes.  It is a learning process, albeit a painful one.

I am actually resigned to the fact that that part of my life is over and I am starting new.  I feel pretty good most of the time about how I have handled things, and I honestly have a new and positive perspective on life.

We will see how things go from here.  One day at a time.